Ok…maybe just one more article. This one represents a milestone in our community and one that I needed to capture for posterity here on the #SurveillancePort.
The G.I.Joe Classified Cobra High Speed Sentry (H.I.S.S.) not only launched as the first G.I.Joe Classified HasLab project, but funded in less than 24 hours (sorry, Cookie Monster). The header used here? It notes that if funded by the 6th of July, everyone that has pledged towards a H.I.S.S. Tank receives a “Cobra Tactician” designed by the Legendary Ron Rudat! Who would’ve guessed back in 1983 that the H.I.S.S. Tank would continue to capture imaginations, and wallets, for the next 40 years?
I’d love to get in to my thoughts, but truth be told, I’m still on the fence. It’s an absolutely gorgeous offering and a true “Must Have”, but as someone that doesn’t collect 1:12 scale, it’s hard to say yes to (but who am I kidding? You and I know damn well I’m going to buy 2). Maybe I’ll dust off this interface next year when this piece has been received. That aside, it’s good to be back, albeit for just this one granular topic. Check it out –
G.I. Joe Classified Series Cobra H.I.S.S.
Never before has an undertaking such as this occurred – our project is the first 6-inch scale G.I. Joe Classified Series Cobra H.I.S.S. vehicle for which everyone has been clamoring. A mere $299.99 grants backers the base offering of my technological wonder, the H.I.S.S., as well as a highly-articulated Cobra H.I.S.S. Driver Action Figure with premium deco, detailing, and articulation for poseability. The vehicle itself contains an astounding level of detail and features allowing for myriad posing and display options.
This crowdfunded project will run from June 29th 2022 11:00AM ET to August 15th 11:59PM ET. If successful, the project will begin shipping Fall 2023.
*Early-Bird Special Offering: Cobra H.I.S.S. Tactician Figure:
If the HasLab G.I. JOE Classified Series HISS Tank campaign reaches its minimum goal of 8,000 backers before 11:59 PM EST on Wednesday, July 6, 2022, all project backers will receive the exclusive G.I. JOE Classified Series Cobra HISS Tactician figure.
If the campaign does not reach its minimum goal of 8,000 backers before 11:59 PM EST on Wednesday, July 6, 2022, the G.I. JOE Classified Series Cobra HISS Tactician figure will not go into production and eligible backers will not receive the additional figure.
Destro’s Journal – June 29th, 2022
The recently-foiled machinations of Cobra Commander to melt the polar ice caps have severely impacted funding at M.A.R.S. (Military Armaments Research Systems) Industries. I have the plans, but not the means to produce an unstoppable fleet of armored vehicles that would surely crush the forces of G.I. Joe under its mighty treads. Out of his usual incessant prattling came the germ of an idea from Cobra Commander that may provide the necessary capital to make these designs a reality. His latest scheme is to appeal to the masses themselves and have them finance it for us. It is quite diabolical, actually, as I have found “a fool and his money are soon parted.”
Cobra partners with HasLab for world domination
As a result, M.A.R.S. Industries has subcontracted HasLab, who were unwitting accomplices in our Cobra Hack of the G.I. Joe Skystriker campaign, to crowdfund the production and distribution of the first-ever G.I Joe Classified Series Cobra H.I.S.S. (High Speed Sentry) vehicle in 6-inch scale. They will carry the water to realize my genius. They need to reach 8,000 backers to officially fund the project. This HasLab campaign begins June 29th and ends in 47 days just before midnight on August 15th. If funded, they anticipate final delivery in Fall of 2023.
First time in 6-inch scale
Never before has an undertaking such as this occurred – our project is the first 6-inch scale G.I. Joe Classified Series Cobra H.I.S.S. vehicle for which everyone has been clamoring. A mere $299.99 grants backers the base offering of my technological wonder, the H.I.S.S., as well as a highly-articulated Cobra H.I.S.S. Driver Action Figure with premium deco, detailing, and articulation for poseability. The vehicle itself contains an astounding level of detail and features allowing for myriad posing and display options.
Multiple lighting combinations with Cobra Insignia Beacon
The H.I.S.S. vehicle contains battery-powered interior and exterior LED lighting features. At the push of a single button, you can turn on the H.I.S.S.-vision lights, the interior cockpit heads-up display, headlights, fog lights, rear Cobra convoy lights, and, most impressively, the Cobra Insignia Beacon. This unique invention of M.A.R.S. Industries projects the Cobra logo on the ground ahead of the vehicle.
I’ve teamed with Dr. Mindbender to enhance this projection with his special combination of “illuminator intimidator” rays that will surely send the Joes cowering in fear should they cross the path of the beams. A secondary red LED light illuminates the rear cargo space to preserve any troopers’ night vision when the door is lowered, and they deploy.
M.A.R.S. Industries Feature Innovations
Only my technological brilliance could possibly have engineered the state-of-the-art weapon accessories and design achievements offered by the G.I. Joe Classified Series Cobra H.I.S.S. vehicle. It’s a modern update of the original classic Cobra armored terror. I have instructed the HasLab Marketing team to draft a comprehensive list of features that is readily digestible by even the most provincial layman:
- Functioning wheels with moving treads: Rotating sprockets and wheels spin as the treads roll forward or backward.
- Elaborately-detailed command cockpit interior: The Cobra H.I.S.S. Driver Action Figure sits buckled with a 5-point harness adorned with Cobra logo before an illuminated control panel. You can pose the figure operating the articulated joystick and throttle controls while targeting Joe combatants.
- “Gull-wing” Canopy: The vehicle comes with features “gull wing” functioning doors with independent right and left sides that lift from center hinges allowing the Driver to enter from either side of the H.I.S.S.
- Rear Cargo Bay: The rear personnel platform provides standing room for additional troops who can be posed holding the functional handrails. Below that is a retractable tow hitch on the rear of the vehicle. The center of the personnel platform flips up allowing the rear cargo door to drop. That reveals an illuminated troop transport cargo space. Inside is a jump seat and a weapon accessory storage rack.
- Articulated turret with poseable cannon accessories: The 360-degree rotating turret includes control details and fits an additional G.I. Joe Classified Series Action Figure (sold separately). The Double “Diablo” Cannon accessories can swivel and elevate independently from one another.
- Removable engine cover detail: Behind the cockpit sits the M.A.R.S.-developed HISS-CS22 propulsion unit detail beneath a removable cover. It connects to side exhaust port details.
- Removable armor plating skirt: The Cobra H.I.S.S. comes with a removable armor plating skirt detail with reactive armor to provide extra protection for the road wheels
- Extendable cockpit boarding ladders: Flip-down boarding ladders descend from each side of the H.I.S.S. granting the Driver easier access to the cockpit.
G.I. Joe Classified Series Cobra H.I.S.S. Driver 6-Inch Scale Action Figure
What H.I.S.S. would be complete without its Driver? This G.I. Joe Classified Series figure included in the base offering comes ready for action, with multiple points of articulation for high poseability along with 4 weapon accessories. It comes individually boxed with its own artwork and number in the G.I. Joe Classified Series sequence, and will only be available through this HasLab offering. Anyone like me who cannot abide incompleteness in their collections should be certain to back this campaign to ensure no glaring omissions on their shelves.
Multiple Classified Stretch Goal Unlocks
Beyond this mechanical marvel I have developed, Cobra Commander has tasked me with implementing several potential enhancements to the base offering of the G.I Joe Classified Series H.I.S.S. vehicle. Scrap Iron and I are devising upgrades to expand its destructive capabilities. But that is all dependent upon the whims of our financial backers. Should enough investors fund the campaign, we shall reveal those Classified offerings in due time.
8,000 backers to fully fund the campaign10,000 backers to unlock Cobra H.I.S.S. Classified Upgrade #112,000 backers to unlock Cobra H.I.S.S. Classified Upgrade #214,000 backers to unlock Cobra H.I.S.S. Classified Upgrade #3- 16,000 backers to unlock Cobra H.I.S.S. Classified Upgrade #4
Cobra H.I.S.S. Classified Upgrade #1 – UNLOCKED
Two Removable Side-Mounted Missile Racks
Congratulations, citizens of Earth! You’ve passed the firsssst step in proving your devotion to me, Cobra Commander, by successssssfully funding our HasLab Cobra H.I.S.S. campaign and reaching 10,000 backerssss, thus unlocking the FIRST Classified Upgrade! The Double Diablo Cannon accessories on your standard H.I.S.S. are indeed formidable, but Destro and Sssscrap Iron have been cooking up plans that will enssssure the Joes demise! Your Cobra H.I.S.S. will now include two removable, side-mounted missile racks, which telescope out from the vehicle. Each rack holds 6 MALHISS missile accessories! The weapons accessory pack upgrade is a perfect addition to your H.I.S.S. fleet and is sure to wreak havoc with the forcessss of G.I. Joe. But keep those orders coming, my friendssss, and we’ll see what else Cobra Commander can unearth for you!
Early-Bird Special Offering: Cobra H.I.S.S. Tactician Action Figure inspired by Ron Rudat’s designs
The Baroness is fond of reminding me of that insipid platitude of the early bird getting the worm, but in this instance, it seems rather fitting. As a means of incentivizing backers to ensure the successful funding of the H.I.S.S. project early in the campaign, our HasLab partners have concocted their own devious schemes. If the project fully funds by reaching 8,000 backers within the first week of launch (before midnight on Wednesday July 6th), everyone who backs the H.I.S.S. HasLab project through the end of the campaign will receive an exclusive Cobra H.I.S.S. Tactician figure with deco inspired by the designs of legendary G.I. Joe designer Ron Rudat – the very man who put me, Destro, in an iron mask. Backers will get to help choose the color-scheme inspiration for the final deco of the Tactician figure once the campaign ends. And remember, each figure included in the offering is exclusive to the HasLab, and will be individually boxed with its own artwork, and number in the G.I. Joe Classified Series sequence. Should the base offering of the campaign not fund within that window, the opportunity to acquire your own Tactician figure will be lost forever.
The fate of the Cobra H.I.S.S. Campaign is in your hands
With the successful funding of the G.I. Joe Classified Series Cobra H.I.S.S. project I shall bring the world to its knees. But until then, its fate lies solely in the hands of the backers. They and they alone wield the true power to bring my vision to fruition. They must attain a minimum of 8,000 backers before the end of the campaign on August 15th or else Cobra shall never unleash its might upon the forces of G.I. Joe. We cannot allow those do-gooders to triumph. Let the countdown commence!
Cobra H.I.S.S. Classified Upgrade #2 – UNLOCKED
Retro Style Canopy and Tread Covers
Well done, faithful Cobra devotees! You just can’t get enough of the Classssssfied Series, can you?! But I know ssssome of you “Real American Heroes” out there would prefer a retro insssspiration to your H.I.S.S. Well, Cobra Commander hasn’t forgotten about you!
If the G.I. Joe Classified H.I.S.S. project reaches 12,000 backers before the campaign ends, you will unlock the Classified Upgrade #2 – the Retro Pack! To display your H.I.S.S. closer to the classssssic 80s vehicle design, you’ll get a swappable, single-piece canopy with a rear hinge that attaches to the cockpit, as well as removable retro armor-plating skirts inspired by the original 788 toy to go over your treadssss!
I have more in sssstore for you, so long as you KEEP BACKING!
Time is limited! This HasLab campaign will run until August 15, 2022. Back the G.I. Joe Cobra H.I.S.S. for $299.99/£299.99 UK/€349.99 DE on #HasbroPulse. See HasbroPulse.com for more details!
The Baroness is fond of reminding me of that insipid platitude of the early bird getting the worm, but in this instance, it seems rather fitting since you all successfully funded our H.I.S.S. so fast! Such victory over G.I. Joe has earned ALL backers of this #HasLab an exclusive Cobra H.I.S.S. Tactician figure with deco inspired by the designs of legendary G.I. Joe designer Ron Rudat – the very man who put me, Destro, in an iron mask. To commend your loyalty to Cobra, backers will get to help choose the color-scheme inspiration for the final deco of the Tactician figure after the campaign ends. And remember, each figure included in the offering is exclusive to the HasLab, and will be individually boxed with its own artwork and number in the G.I. Joe Classified Series sequence.
So go ahead, review these deco schematics and think wisely on your choices!
Time is limited! This HasLab campaign will run until August 15, 2022. Back the G.I. Joe Cobra H.I.S.S. for $299.99/£299.99 UK/€349.99 DE on #HasbroPulse. See HasbroPulse.com for more details!
Cobra H.I.S.S. Classified Upgrade #3 – UNLOCKED
Weapons Accessory Pack AND H.I.S.S. Gunner action figure
Astonisssshing! No matter what I offer, you jusssst want more! “Cobra Commander”, you say, “Sure, my H.I.S.S. vehicle has enough firepower to bring cowardly G.I. Joe to their knees, but can it make them ‘vanish’ entirely?”
To that I say…of COURSSSSE it can! If our #HasLab project reaches 14,000 backers, you’ll unlock Classified Upgrade #3 – the Weapons Accessory Pack AND the H.I.S.S. Gunner action figure.
You’ll get twin HISSINTEGRATOR CANNON accessssssories, which attach under the nose of the cockpit, and two HISSRUPTOR ZX-5 blaster accessories that attach to either side of the H.I.S.S. turret!
A weapon is nothing without someone to wield it. Pose your H.I.S.S. Gunner figure at the controls of the articulated turret or wielding their weapon accesssssories. Adding a Gunner figure gives you a full complement of troops to staff your H.I.S.S. vehicle, and offerssss even more ways to display your H.I.S.S. fleet.
How can you argue with an unbelievable deal like that? Now, remember, keep backing the Classified Series H.I.S.S. before the campaign ends. Until nexsssst time…
Time is limited! This HasLab campaign will run until August 15, 2022. Back the G.I. Joe Cobra H.I.S.S. for $299.99/£299.99 UK/€349.99 DE on #HasbroPulse. See HasbroPulse.com for more details!
THE SUSSSSPENSE IS SO SSSSATISFYING!
Kudos to all you fanatical followers of the Cobra World Order. You’ve come sssslithering out of your caves to prove your loyalty to me, Cobra Commander! But I’m afraid it’s jusssst not quite enough yet. While you’ve been ssssinging my praises and assiduoussssly backing my G.I. Joe Classified H.I.S.S. #HasLab, there are far too many sssslackers out there! They were wasting a long weekend with fesssstive celebrations and sssstuffing their faces with their barbecue and hot dogs INSTEAD OF BACKING MY H.I.S.S. CAMPAIGN! What’s wrong with them?! Well, I’ve been using this time to plan a little celebration of my own – the COMPLETE and UTTER desssstruction of G.I. Joe!
There’s just one Classified Upgrade left, and I’ve saved the besssst for lasssst! But I think I’ll keep you in susssspense for just a little while longer. Soon enough, I’ll reveal what reaching 16,000 backers will add to the campaign. But, until then, try convincing those other fools to join our crusade and KEEP FUNDING MY H.I.S.S. HASLAB!
Time is limited! This HasLab campaign will run until August 15, 2022. Back the G.I. Joe Cobra H.I.S.S. for $299.99/£299.99 UK/€349.99 DE on #HasbroPulse. See HasbroPulse.com for more details!
Congratulations and welcome to the Cobra World Order! Not only was the #GIJoe Classified Series #HasLab H.I.S.S. FULLY FUNDED in record-breaking time, you’ve also unlocked ALL the Classified Upgrades! Your customizable H.I.S.S. now includes the base vehicle offering with H.I.S.S. Driver Action Figure, Early-Bird H.I.S.S. Tactician Action Figure, removable MALHISS Missile Racks, Retro canopy and tread covers, the newly-recruited H.I.S.S. Gunner Figure, the HISSINTEGRATOR CANNON, two HISSRUPTOR ZX-5 BLASTER accessories, and the newly-sculpted 6-Inch Scale Retro Cardback Cobra Commander Action Figure inspired by the rare misprinted variant of the original 1982 “Real American Hero” figure release.
Thank you to all the G.I. Joe and Cobra fans that have backed this HasLab project and turned Cobra Commander’s dream into reality! Not to worry, there’s still more time to back this campaign for the first time or even build your own H.I.S.S. tank army!
SURVEILLANCE PORT 
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